Update 5/9

Well to get up to speed , I have some bad news about the tumor growth. There hasn't been much growth as per the mri but my symptoms are returning. Numbness in my hands and face, double vision, and being off balanced a bit.  Its had me down for awhile now. Docs have started me on chemo, a hopefully potent mix of Temodar and Avastin which will, supposedly, keep it in check. Based upon what Ive read I'm not too hopeful for it but I'm trying to stay optimistic.
     The first day of chemo was no sweat, it was the fifth day that kicked my butt. Seriously I was fighting to stay in that raft( ill explain later). It would continue to get worse until week two where the drug flushed out of the system , 3 more weeks till I do it again. 1 week on 28 days off.
     I'm hoping that there will be a little regression of the symptoms to the point I can play tennis decently. Right now I can go for a ball just to find that it's doppelganger is 3 inches to the right. You know, for the summer that would be nice.
    Ive went to two concerts, Needtobreathe and Zac Brown Band both were excellent. Needtobreathe was uplifting and had that strong southern rock vibe. I highly suggest checking them out. Of Course ZBB was incredible playing everything from chicken fried , let it be, Bohemian Rhapsody and homegrown all in one amazing concert.

kid rock was there

   Then right after we went to a mens retreat with the church. There was white water rafting. I wasnt in the best shape literally taking the last dose of chemo hours earlier, but i really wanted to try rafting. My dad was behind me to stabilize me, but unknowingly, being in the front, I was the shield blocking the rest of the boat from getting wet. Soaked and cold but I did it, had a blast and went back to the cabin to not rest, but zipline. Lots of adventure to be had. Though I slept terribly because of the pollen , it was a fantastic trip.
   

so was a dragon?

The past few days I've been in a slump. Feeling as though life could be so much more different. Regretful, depressed, pitiful. Hurting those around me with spiteful words of small things that bother me, or words that upset others because they tear down myself. It isn't the healthy way live. I spent the day with my dad doing errands. we spoke about what else we could do, and how to live life. He gave me some advice which I am going to take as a challenge. Do 2 nice things for those you care about daily. Others first, then myself. He noted that this was the most rewarding way to live.
So there is my challenge. Be it cleaning something, spending time helping or getting something they need. That is what I shall attempt doing.


Never Give Up
Can't Stop, Won't Stop

Goodbye to another Fighter

Today another warrior left us. She was as valiant as anyone could ever hope to be and showed the world what it meant to be a true hero. On April 10, a fellow DIPG patient passed away. Her name is Lauren Hill, and her legacy has and will touch many lives. She was diagnosed her senior year of high school, right after declaring she would play basketball for Mount St.Joseph in Cincinnati, Ohio. She wanted to play basketball so very bad, and it became one of her goals to play at a collegiate level. Even though she was debilitated by the disease, she was able to inspire us all with her tenacity for never giving up. Her story made national headlines, sold out stadiums and raised awareness for these wretched disease. I really wished I would of had a chance to talk with her.
     As of now, there have been 1.5 million dollars donated in her name to help find a cure for this cancer. She has accomplished so much in the short time she was given. She is an inspiration to us all.
Please send prayers to the family, if you are felt to donate here is the site.   http://www.thecurestartsnow.org/



Rest well, until we can meet.

Never Give Up
Can't Stop, Won't Stop


                                                                       Her story

All the small things

A wise woman once told me, " Life is sweeter than any food I could put in my mouth" .  This came up in the first chat me and a dear friend had about cancer. Her name is Rachel, she was the first person I found who has DIPG. She gave me hope, someone to talk to about the situation. As lost as I was in the dark pit of despair after my diagnosis, she gave me a hand to get out. Not that my family, girlfriend and friends werent doing their best, but they lacked the experience to deal with this situation first hand. Rachel knew what I was going through and reassured me, helped me get my bearings so I could get out of depression and start living again.
     Those word though, have stuck with me on my journey and I have made them into my own. I've kinda made a theory about life. There are two types of rewards we can get out of life. The rewards of experience and the rewards of pleasure, long-term vs. short-term.
     What would be a short term reward? things that can make you happy for a short time. I want you to recall the best cake you ever consumed. Remember what it looked like? what color it was? chocolate or vanilla?  so you can remember that, good, you should be able to recall something. Though can you still taste it? and you get that same feeling you had? I can't . It doesn't bring the same smile as when I first had that wonderful bit of heavenly baked goodness.
   What does however is memories of things I have done. Graduated, first kiss, first car accident, picking up tennis and enjoying nature. My wonderful vacation to Hawaii definitely ranks on the list. What does these things all have in common? They happened, they can never be reproduced, they are a singular event in a life that is solely mine. They are reminiscent of  times past that will always bring me joy.
     So what do I want from life? If cancer feeds off sugar than not eating sugar should help extend my life. If I can have even one more year, filled with memories that will never disappear as they are written in the annals of time, than trading that for sugar is a fair deal I will gladly accept.
   In closing, choose rewards that will benefit you for the rest of your life, that will hold meaning when you are gone, opposed to the rewards that will benefit only you for a short time and be gone the next day.

Loss

These past two weeks I have lost people from my life. These people I didn't even know. one made me laugh and the other gave me encouragement. I never had the chance to speak to either. One was a beloved actor, the other was a beloved son. These two men both had different impacts on the world, and who and how they affected people are just as different. Both lived life, both did their best. One had a full life , the other was taken way before his time, both impact my life. These two are Leonard Nimoy and Alex Garrett. Most of you will know the first but the former is a mystery. Mr. Nimoy played the iconic role of Spock in Startrek. This show means a lot to me, it filled me with wonder, encouragement and ideologies. It gave my dad and I a common show which we both enjoy. When my dad was deployed I would watch the show for comfort. So seeing an actor who I had followed and listened to pass, affected me in a way that I never experienced before. It wasn't as sad as losing someone you see in your life everyday, but it still affected me.

Alex's story and passing hit me much harder. Alex was young man in my position, faced with this deadly cancer. He was only the second person my age who I have found with my diagnosis. As rare as it is , finding someone who has the same experience is encouragement just knowing that you aren't alone. He fought this battle , but passed away on Saturday Feb. 28.

I never got a chance to speak with Alex. By the time I found out about him, he was already too far along and had lost the ability to speak. I did get to talk with his family. They are absolutely wonderful people with hearts of compassion. Here they were with their son in his last days and they were offering to help me anyway they could. I hope one day I can do something for you both in honor of Alex, and all the kids suffering with this despicable disease.

I was going through Alex's Facebook and reading all the post left by people who he knew. The outpours of emotions from people I only knew as Alex's friend. These random people's comments brought me to tears. I really wish I could have met Alex, he seemed like a compassionate young man, with the charisma to make anyone laugh. We both played baseball and im sure we would have hit it off. Until we can meet, I will keep going.

What the posts showed me was that even in a short time of our lives, we have the ability to affect the lives of many people. I mourn for the losses of these two incredible people, but it is my belief that there is more to be than just this small world. A quote which really spoke to me was, " don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."-Dr. Seuss. I want my life to be remembered in all the happy memories, because those things happened, and the can never be erased. 
I wrote this after a tough day for myself. I am having sinus issues which give me the same symptoms as the early stages of the cancer. I'm hoping that it is the sinus issues. I feel as though the cancer is playing mind games(ha because it's in the brain).  Between the losses, mind games and minor stress of school , I needed an outlet to regroup my thoughts. These weeks, however, reminded me that it's not over and I can't give up just because I feel down. Reading about Alex gave me more encouragement and helps me keep pushing forward.

I have never posted this before but I want to say thank you for all the people praying for me. I really do appreciate you keeping me in your thoughts.

I'll end this post with quotes from both of these men, "Live long and prosper","Can't stop, wont stop".

Coming to terms

I'm 23 now! 22 was a heck of a year, and I'm glad it has passed. I'm just sitting in bed doing my normal routine of research, web surfing and Facebook. I started thinking that it feels like I don't have anything wrong with me. I then have to remind myself that I am one of the millions of people fighting cancer. This brings me to do more research on cancer, reading others testimonies and experiences.  These testimonies are from both the patients and the people around them.
    As good as my life has been the past six months, losing the extra weight, getting fit, going on vacations and spending time with family and friends; it is always a kick in the head when I read about these testimonies. They bring me down and make me feel depressed. I hate that one day it is likely I will be dead due to cancer. I have hardly started on this adventure and life is already telling me," hey you are quitting early".  It is like playing a video game and your character decides to just lay down and a game over screen appears , no restarts and re-do. One thing that comforts me is my belief in something greater.
     A little thought I have been playing with was thinking about what we are made of. We are made up of more atoms than stars in the sky. google the numbers , they are ridiculous. All these atoms come together to form molecules, which create the cells of our body, which create you. There will probably never be that same combination of atoms ever again(i mean like 1:10^70 ...just an estimate). Just think, second from second you are a brand new being with a combination of atoms never combined before, you are pretty special and miraculous.
    
Well back to my current feelings. My worst feeling is when I think about those who are close to me in their daily lives, and how they will function once I am gone. I worry too much about others, and I think too much...I've been told those are two of my worst and best traits. In all honesty their is nothing I can do for them past what I am doing now, enjoying life with them each day.
It really should be a mantra for people anyway, live and love as if you had no tomorrow. The future is not guaranteed for any of us, so get busy living.



Life update.
Went skiing in Alabama
Started another semester and I am doing exceptionally well
will be attending 3 concerts this year ( more if I can afford it)-Needtobreathe, def leppard/styx , Foo fighters!)
Tennis skills are still improving
Cheated on  the diet for my birthday with an amazing cake, but am back on the wagon again.

Lots to be thankful for.
I feel like quoting a friend who is also going though this battle and has been great support for me.

"I can do hard things"

Almost Christmas/ Love

Well it has been a bit more than half a year since I have been diagnosed. Life has seen some changes, new perceptions, and appreciations. At the end of last post, I stated in my story that I didn't shed a tear for two weeks. It was true, I couldn't bring myself to cry. It was disturbed me for a while, as any other normal person would probably be able to cry. It was due to a mix of me trying to be strong and also just the shock of the event. You never really expect to be told you have cancer, especially at a young age. the 20's are supposed to be the prime of your life right?
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     life is about connections. The special bonds we share with others that transcend this world.
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I wrote these a week ago. before Christmas. I was planning on posting it but I began to get tired and uninterested in finishing, so I fell asleep.

I had huge aspirations for this post when i started it but I sort of had a mental block so i decided to come back to it later.

So Christmas has come and gone. It was wonderful being able to spend time with family. I enjoyed the festivities however there was a lack of sweets this year due to my diet. A friend of mine says, " life is more sweet than anything you can stuff in your mouth" , to which I agree with her 100%. Ill make the sacrifice of hot coco if it means more time here.

Today was Sunday, which in my family means church. Honestly, I use to not care for going to church. I found it a pain, listening to everyone go on and on about God. It always got to me that the people were so close minded to science and also hypocritical. Due to this I stayed predominately quiet. However, I have learned a lot on this journey. Love and compassion really has shown through, and my understanding of the bible and beliefs have both become stronger.

todays lesson was about agape love. What it truly means to love. did you know the Greek language has like 40 something ways to say love? anyway. The message was basically showing how in order to love someone else in an agape way you must care for them more than yourself. My dad recently said something to me which reminded me of this. He told me he wishes he could take the cancer from me. It was a sweet sentiment, one I am very fond. He wishes for me to live more than himself. How do you know you have good parents? right there.
While I hope that somehow I can beat this thing, I dont want his wish to come true. I couldnt imagine nor would I ever want my family or friends, heck, anybody else to go through this. I hate that I read my emails from my dipg group and see all this kids , ages 1-10, going though this, passing away. I sympathize with them. I however am 22 and they are not even half that. I have had a life , however short, while they are mere babes. It saddens me when I think about them, I want to take their burden too. How scared must they be? losing hair, cross eyed/ hard of seeing, hard of swallowing, headaches, gaining/losing weight,  radiation/chemo sickness. They face all these and dont even know what it means to be a child, they may not ever know what it is like to grow up , to experience romance, anxiety, the wonderful feeling of success and dismal emotion of defeat, what it is to live.

Yet, everything I see about these children shows bravery and love. Love for their family's and the other patients they meet. So I guess tying this into my lesson today, we could learn a thing or two from children. They show love in the most archetypal way.

So in closing, please keep the children fighting any terminal disease in your prayers. If you don't pray, keep them in your thoughts.

I have brain cancer? :O

So I was using a social media site called reddit yesterday to ask what would be some good things to practice for my diet. For those who don't know im on the ketogenic diet. It requires one to eat mainly fats for calories, mild amount of proteins and scarce amounts of carbs. Anyway, I came back today to the post getting over 100 comments. After answering most of them, I ran across one which asked me how I knew something was up. I then proceeded to tell him a shorten version of the story. It being brought to my attention that I never posted the story, and also that I don't update as much as I should (sorry) I figured id do a post about The Day I got Diagnosed. To make it interesting for me, ill try my hand at a third person narrative.

so without further ado     

                                                 The Day I got Diagnosed

                                                   Matt Cochran

Ok lights, camera , action
Act 1
we find our character Matt, travelling to a sale induction training for his job down in Birmingham. He has two coworkers with him, as they are carpooling to save money. As he drives he notices he feels kind of loopy but thinks he is just tired.
"MATTT!!" coworker 1 screams
 " Shit, i almost hit that car" Matt says to himself.
 "okay im driving" declares coworker 1.
 So Matt's car is commandeered and he is thrown into the brig of the back seat to try and sleep it off. Matt doesn't drive again until alone.

Act 2
Matt is in class learning about selling skills ( he was taking Benadryl for the first time because he was having a hard time sleeping) .  He had a very loose mouth and would say the first thing that came to mind without filter. eventually he just had to tell himself to shut up. He felt hung over, which one beer the previous night was not known to do. He tells himself , you are just tired.
Act 3
Our hero is back home in Huntsville. He goes over to his gf's house to watch a movie. They are watching Star Wars IV : A New Hope. Suddenly there is an immense pain in the back of Matt's head. "Am I having an aneurysm?" he thinks.
 The pain doesn't subside, though it does dull a bit. Shelby decides to rush her boyfriend to the hospital. They wait in the ER for a few hours. Matt goes in for a CT scan. After another hour , the doctor comes in and announces," there is a mass in the back of your skull, we need to send you to a near by hospital for a MRI".
 Now they knew it was serious and called the parental units, the father unit was awake and answered the phone. Matt told his dad what had gone down and that he needed him here for more support.
act 4
After the ambulance ride, Matt and his dad sat in the new hospital for a few hours, though those hours felt like minutes as Matt's thoughts raced. Matt couldn't figure how severe this could possibly be and tried to downplay the possibilities. After finally getting in the MRI and laying down for a 30 minutes, he was brought back to the room. This time minutes felt like hours though it was only about 43 minutes. The doctor came in and delivered the news, " there is a mass on your brainstem".
 "Fuck, of all places, why there?" Matt thought.
 He begins to think of what was next," are they going to perform surgery? Am I going to be alive this time tomorrow?" panicked Matt.
" We will need to send you off to Vanderbilt hospital in Tennessee" , said the doc, " by helicopter."

and so our hero got to ride on his first helicopter , though about thirty minutes in he really had to pee. "only an hour to go" he thought trying to avoid random thoughts of waterfalls. It was a sunrise view and an amazing spectacular scene for what our hero thought to be his last day. He cherished it.
Upon landing Matt was given his very own room complete with tv and an abundant amount of happy medicine. Being relieved both physically and mentally, he got his first sleep in over 24 hours. When the doctor finally got to him however, there wasn't any good news. After performing some basic test ,the resident doctor told him his diagnosis. It wasn't pretty bad, " you have cancer, however this type of cancer we can't do a biopsy because it is too dangerous".
"So I'm not going to die today " he thinks, relieved.

Soon after, his family , Mom, Dad and little sister , along with his girlfriend came in. Lots of tears were shed, though Matt couldn't get any out just being in shock of the entire day. No, those wouldn't come for a few weeks.



Well that is about it, I mean I could add more details such as names and what was on tv, but that is about the gist of the story.

I've been using the blog to really just update the cancer /treatments followed by thoughts and events going on in my life. I think im going to update it more regularly by including the in and outs of my life and thoughts more regularly. Hopefully the cancer update portion can stay the same for awhile. Hawaii pics next week.