Well it has been a bit more than half a year since I have been diagnosed. Life has seen some changes, new perceptions, and appreciations. At the end of last post, I stated in my story that I didn't shed a tear for two weeks. It was true, I couldn't bring myself to cry. It was disturbed me for a while, as any other normal person would probably be able to cry. It was due to a mix of me trying to be strong and also just the shock of the event. You never really expect to be told you have cancer, especially at a young age. the 20's are supposed to be the prime of your life right?
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life is about connections. The special bonds we share with others that transcend this world.
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I wrote these a week ago. before Christmas. I was planning on posting it but I began to get tired and uninterested in finishing, so I fell asleep.
I had huge aspirations for this post when i started it but I sort of had a mental block so i decided to come back to it later.
So Christmas has come and gone. It was wonderful being able to spend time with family. I enjoyed the festivities however there was a lack of sweets this year due to my diet. A friend of mine says, " life is more sweet than anything you can stuff in your mouth" , to which I agree with her 100%. Ill make the sacrifice of hot coco if it means more time here.
Today was Sunday, which in my family means church. Honestly, I use to not care for going to church. I found it a pain, listening to everyone go on and on about God. It always got to me that the people were so close minded to science and also hypocritical. Due to this I stayed predominately quiet. However, I have learned a lot on this journey. Love and compassion really has shown through, and my understanding of the bible and beliefs have both become stronger.
todays lesson was about agape love. What it truly means to love. did you know the Greek language has like 40 something ways to say love? anyway. The message was basically showing how in order to love someone else in an agape way you must care for them more than yourself. My dad recently said something to me which reminded me of this. He told me he wishes he could take the cancer from me. It was a sweet sentiment, one I am very fond. He wishes for me to live more than himself. How do you know you have good parents? right there.
While I hope that somehow I can beat this thing, I dont want his wish to come true. I couldnt imagine nor would I ever want my family or friends, heck, anybody else to go through this. I hate that I read my emails from my dipg group and see all this kids , ages 1-10, going though this, passing away. I sympathize with them. I however am 22 and they are not even half that. I have had a life , however short, while they are mere babes. It saddens me when I think about them, I want to take their burden too. How scared must they be? losing hair, cross eyed/ hard of seeing, hard of swallowing, headaches, gaining/losing weight, radiation/chemo sickness. They face all these and dont even know what it means to be a child, they may not ever know what it is like to grow up , to experience romance, anxiety, the wonderful feeling of success and dismal emotion of defeat, what it is to live.
Yet, everything I see about these children shows bravery and love. Love for their family's and the other patients they meet. So I guess tying this into my lesson today, we could learn a thing or two from children. They show love in the most archetypal way.
So in closing, please keep the children fighting any terminal disease in your prayers. If you don't pray, keep them in your thoughts.
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